Big Doubts

Not about faith. About the ‘enlightened’ West.

As someone who grew up in Germany, I learned between the lines that it is better not to dig too deeply into history. It can be unpleasant. I don’t want to generalise that lesson. I think it was a very subjective experience. But the echo for me was: ‘It’s got to be enough at some point, let’s look to the future instead of dwelling on a painful past all the time. And so I looked ahead. I happily developed many visions, large and small. There’s nothing wrong with that. On the contrary, especially today we need new, colourful, realistic visions of the future that inspire and encourage action. Almost twenty years ago, I was commissioned to develop new approaches for the church and faith communities. I set to work with great joy and enthusiasm. I developed and tested theories, alternatives and theologies. It only took 15 years for me to realise: you simply can’t do that without some expertise in history! At some point you have to face facts. Even if it takes a decade and a half to realise it, and to find the courage to really dare to do something about it. 

So why are we in the West the way we are? Why do we act the way we do? What is it that really, i.e. subconsciously and therefore unconsciously, controls our decisions? These questions are becoming more and more urgent. But where does the search for answers begin? Well, this kind of self-knowledge is actually the door opener to other worlds. Once you dare to walk through the gate, the next steps are almost self-explanatory. I also feel God’s Spirit taking me by the hand and pointing me to things that I would never have found on my own because I would never have looked there.  

The purpose of this blog entry is simply to let you know that I am currently travelling. Not on holiday, but on a journey of discovery. Not physically, but mentally. Not into the distance, but into the depths. 

And there’s something else you need to know. This journey is one of penance. Again and again it brings me to my knees, makes me bow my head in shame and beg my Creator for mercy. Not so much as an individual, but because I am part of a community (of people) who consider themselves educated and clever and yet fail miserably. 

Just one example: as a lecturer in missiology, I also have to deal with the history of missions. And there is no getting around imperialism and colonisation. During my penance walk, I was given Shashi Tharoor’s book ‘An Era of Darkness’, which describes this era from an Indian perspective. A truly terrifying read. Colonisation also marked the beginning of Western evangelical missions overseas, including in India. Although many of the old missionaries were kind people with loving values, this was hard to see from the perspective of the oppressed: Jesus was the God of exploiters and tormentors. India is just one country among many. Suddenly I understand why so many people around the world are still sceptical about the West and its faith, and in extreme cases would take up arms. Because from their point of view, many of these things are still indistinguishable. 

Instead of humility and willingness to reconcile, the Western reaction is outrage. After all, we still consider ourselves superior and believe that one day everyone will live like us anyway. At least that’s how I felt for a long time, and I was rarely alone in this. Perhaps I had to become a foreigner myself, living for a decade and a half in a neighbourhood with many, many other skin colours, languages and religions, to crack that hard shell? 

No, I don’t doubt the Risen One. On the contrary, I see him more than ever as my Lord and God, as my only hope. But I am losing faith in the enlightened man who thinks everything is possible for him. Whose towers of self-glorification are just beginning to crumble, only to soon fall into even greater confusion. It is painful to realise that I am among them. All the more reason to bow my head and beg for mercy. It is also painful that even many brothers and sisters in the Lord are falling prey to this delusion. They rely on politicians in their search for the perfect Christian society. Often relying on those of dubious integrity, with questionable methods and obscure motives. Here too, history teaches us a lesson or two. 

I am sad, but this sadness drives me to keep on searching, to keep on digging, to keep on researching. I cannot and will not go back. Because God’s Spirit gives me the confidence that I will find a new light. It is already shining. I look forward by digging back into history. 

And in this very doubt, a completely new, hitherto unknown certainty is growing.